我会崩溃了！！！

我后悔了，当初不要放弃，要坚持到底。现在，后悔莫及，不能回头，只走一部棋，就变了这样。上天夺走我的一切，不能会头。冤天或冤自己? 可能前世做孽，今世来还，这是命了。

是不是有憂鬱症?

我是不是有憂鬱症呢? 我上网找忧郁症的前兆：情绪低落，持續地感受到低落、消沈的心情，時常想哭或獨自落淚，有時候連病人自己也不知道為何如此傷心，一早起來就受到無法承受的情緒煎熬，簡直一刻都過不下去。有的人到晚上心情則可略為改善，因為好不容易又熬過一天。
經常整天無精打采，鎮日呆坐，目光呆滯，也不言語，神情枯槁，直如一堆沒有熱度的死灰一般，还有總感到活著沒有意義，人生不再有任何價值，或有任何指望，彷彿活在沒有過去、沒有未來的時空斷裂點，隨時要崩落到萬劫不復的深淵，更難受的是，還覺得天底下大概沒有人幫得上忙，永久必須承受比死還痛苦的煎熬。
以上的症状，我都有。是不是我’中’了忧郁症? 有时会想哭，好像没有什么意义，所性去死。如果要死，吃药就会死，但是我不指要死啦。有时想好骂人，不能失去控制。

20/12/08

Today , i will go to salon to marcel my hair. When a while, i just read the magazine without spectacle. About a half hour, my eyes become blur, like a shadow. First thing is i cannot drive the car, blur blur and dizzy...... i think half an hour, my eyes become normal, no shadow n not blur. maybe i dun use the spectacle to read the magazine. Izit my brain got problem? So, i just make a appointment on Wednesday to go to GH.

14/12/08

我park 的车后，突然间，拇指和第二手指变成C，不能动，要拔出来，也不能，可能断了手指。手指麻痹，脉凸出来。大概15分钟，手指慢慢动了，可能弯。是为什么?还好没有驾着车，后果不堪设想，怕怕。以前没有这样子, 是脑的问题或神经线?

13/12/08

this morning, i go to to intiview for computer intructor. this salary is RM600,then transportation RM60 and allowance, total RM700. the salary is very low then must sign a contact for 1 1/2 years, so i dont want to work. then i will go to pc fair to buy cooler and keyboard. a lot of people to go to pc fair, got jam..at the KLCC, im very hungry, so eat first.. :)i go to fish market restaurant to eat fish n chip. then just go to pc fair. after buy the thing, straight go to midvalley to buy cloth, but idun like this.... then, at night, i eat again in teppanyaki restaurant. is delicious. now, im very tired .my toes n waist very pain....

10/12/08

A few days, i can’t sleep. At 11pm, i sleep and about 5.30am, automatic wake up.. maybe my dad is wake up , the alarm will ring and disturb me already or my memory is always like that to think about my study. My auntie said me dun think about it, forgot it... she give me a example for her daughter. before, she was fresh graduated n work in Intel.she went to england to take the project. then she was stress n then saw the psychology doctor. but she dun ate the medicine just tide up herself. then, she won work in Intel anymore because of stress. so, aunties told me left it go but i automatic just think. I dun know lah, maybe when the exam is finish already, then i will slowly forget it. i have to work if not i will be breakdown. Today, i haven’t go to the office to learn the account ,just take a nap but can’t sleep... my memory will be display the mind , think about study.. is it got a medicine to remove the thinking? i have forget a certain part and then throw in the recycle bin. This is my stew in one's own juice. I have afford the decision, dun force to it. i have to take a rest to continue my life. I want to sleep totally more...

8/12/08

When i reach my house, just find the letter from GH. lastly i find the letter. The appointment is 24 december at 8.15am. so i have to puasa from 6 hours. Why the nurse always make me to wait from scan the CT scan?She said 2 weeks will receive your hospital letter, but dun have ? the health minister said will improve the hospital, but i dun thing so to improve the hospital. In semrenban hospital, they will computerize the system but the GH KL just take the number by hand..before i went to see the doctor but they said can’t found my fail. So, i had to waited my fail. Lastly found the fail.

7/12/08

I am very afraid when my friends ask me how’s ur working? Then im very paise because i haven’t do their work....before, i just help my dad to work.i had to study before, but useless , stress and lastly stop the study.now, i have find the job to work, if not like a 游手好闲，一事无成，人生没有乐趣了。i already find the job, is the computer instructor but i got 3 appointment to see the doctor. The boss will consider me to mc? The IJN will make the appointment on march every year and the seremban hospital’s appointment for 3 months to check the blood and see the doctor.. another one for neurology hospital in KL got another appointment.. headache already...so nothing to do... 

2/12/08

I haven’t receive the letter from GH hospital in kuala Lumpur. Maybe got missing the letter or they haven’t send it. the nurse said they will send the letter within 2 weeks but now got 2 weeks more….. I can’t imagine why the government always like that, wait and wait… today, I already make a appointment to see the doctor but can’t see , just give the medicine only. If urgent, sure will die. before I went to saw the doctor in neurology hospital kuala Lumpur. I forgot already, so didn’t see the doctor. now, I have to wait lah when I receive the letter… I very scare the government hospital because they make me operation 2 times ago. if you got money, don’t go to surgery , I did ago.

1/12/08

Today, I will send the 2 letter to tar college and the sumber pusat transplant organ. I already send the withdrawal course to tar college. so, all everything go on and forget it. Before , I knew the transplant organ in putrajaya hospital, but what can I register it? Now, I search the website in Institute Jantung Negera (IJN),I faster to register it. So when I died, all organs and tissue can help the people to survive their life. I register for organ donor.Got a words like a chinese proverb , 我悄悄的来，正如我悄悄的走；我挥一挥衣朽，不带走一片云彩。meaning that when I quiet come, even as I go;when I bye bye, do no come to the cloud variety. So if I die, you don’t so sad, everyone must die, is it? I almost die before in operation, like the cantonese words 死过翻生。

胡适乱想过了一夜，思念了一夜没有决绝。放弃就算了吧，但是还是会想着学业呢，该怎么办? 是自作自首，知找麻烦。当初是为了争一口气，是我志愿读书而反效果。如果知道，何不当初? 三个星期前，我不tahan，才告诉lecturer. 而且 INR太低，才导致出血，变成瘀血(BRUISE) ，下体出血。我知道不能顶了。。。之前，INR正常，可能太大压力，失眠，精神紧张，才只好放弃。

30/11/08
我载妹妹去搭巴士。然后，我驾车走，突然间，头有一点blur blur, 又好像fit.我很害怕，可能会撞车，深呼吸还好没事，真的吓死我了。之前，也是这样。医生说我最好不要驾车。我在找工作，有一份电脑指导员，可以适合我。以前，我很喜欢唱歌，但发音不准，也不能唱。两个中学同学要结婚了，pokai lah. 但是，还是中学的朋友比较好，有人情味。

我哭了-27/11/08

早上我哭了，因为又想起我的读。为什么? 放弃或继续读书，是很困难的事情。哎！脑海有记忆力，不能抹去，不能left It up a go，就像歌词其实不想走，其实我想留。。。我真的舍不得我的学业，又听不懂，像任贤齐心太软的歌词’ 喔，算了吧，就这样忘了吧，该放就放, 再想也没有用‘,只好放弃。这两天又失眠了，因为我去学account。这真的是我的人生吗? 其实我是negative, 想坏的方向，不是他们说我是positive。现在的我是胆小，很怕，没有主见的人。朋友说我以前不是这样的，尤其是语言，智商只剩下60%，让我失去了一切。所以，我要站一来，站前走站前走，勇敢的面对种种一切，要克服。

19/11/09

我去见老师。我见了Miss Lim，她说要去见counselor, 因为我太打压力，喘不够来，又不能读了。然后，我去见Mr Chee, 他要见我。我跟他说我的情形。他要去Mr Wong. 他以为我太压力，其实压力加上我跟不到，还有我不能睡，生活紧张。assignment group, 我没有做，连累了他们。Mr Wong说我一个人做，问题是我做不到。我觉得可以考虑。相反的，我要继续读，我一定要读到完，我不服气，不甘心。之前，我fail 了一科，心情砰溃。然后，我去见counselor了。她知道了。她说：“我是想后果，有打算的人“。是的。她开导我，放弃或继续读书是人生的目标。

人生的第一个考验-25/11/09

第一天，是我人生转过的开始。之前，读Computer Science, 现在学Account。这是命中注定的，是上天考验我度过的尽力。之前，我钻牛角尖，爬不出来，父母担心。现在，我爬了过来。

我真的会发疯

16/11/09 这一个月多，我不能睡，生活紧张，精神压力，想来想去，胡思乱想，会疯了！
星期二，我去见师父。我想的东西，他知道，真的很准。我不干心，他做的到而我做不到。v可能我的脑动手术，脑不能想一般一样。我真的不能读，读不上。第一课，两科，跟的上，其它跟不上。有一科，根本不能听不明白。我是过，但是跟不到，所以只好放弃，有想一点不舍的。我去看医生，医生说要scan CT,我有怕了。今天，爸爸问我可以拿回钱，我不知道。我又胡思乱想了。。。我已经搬东西回家，如果又上课，可能可以读完，可能会疯，不可以冒险，我受不的。